TICKLE 'n' GIGGLE

A fat lady is lying on the beach. 
A lifeguard approaches her
And says, "Excuse me ma'am, could
you please leave the beach?"
The obese lady replies, "Why? 
What's wrong?"
"We'll you see," says the lifeguard,
"It's getting pretty
Late, and the tide wants to come 
in!" 

Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?

Once a great scientist invents a machine and claims that it can tell everything about everybody, when asked. Nobody believes him. So,he holds a press conference, where anybody can ask any question from the machine.
In the press conference, many people ask the machine different questions and the machine answers them correctly. The news spreads like a wild fire and finally reaches the ears of President of U.S.A. He calls the scientist to Pentagon and asks him to bring his machine with his machine. All the officials of Pentagon are present in the meeting to ask questions from the machine.It answers all of them correctly.
Finally,the President asks one question "What is my father doing at present?". The machine falls silent for few minutes and after that, answers "Your father is fishing in Arabian Sea.".The President starts laughing and after five minutes,when he stops laughing,says "Your machine is of no use scientist. It was a trick question. My father died 4 years ago.".
The scientist apologizes and asks President to reframe the question so that the machine could understand the question better. So the President asks "What is my mother's husband doing at present?". After some time, the machine replies "Your mother's husband died 4 years ago but your father is still fishing in Arabian Sea".

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
mug = cup

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The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."